WHY GOD LOVES HUDSON VALLEY BROADS
A blonde woman named Sid finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God
for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me.
I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Sid again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to
lose my car."
Lotto night comes and Sid still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always
been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and Sid is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Sid, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOR 16 YEARS
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the
butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do
about it.
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was
16.
She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the
teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and
said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too. Tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and
said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free
bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEEING
THE SNAKE DOCTOR
An
old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something
for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The
Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to
return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very
depressed.
The Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help?"
"The glasses are fine, Doc, but I just discovered I've been
living with a water hose for the past 2 years!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mowing
The Lawn
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sunk in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make the point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed
me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "be sure
to sweep the
sidewalks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upon
entering the little country store, the stranger noticed
a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! - posted on the
glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep
on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that
sign,
people kept tripping over him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple
for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the
squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While
consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed
was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had
suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and
he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed,
panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he
was going."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poughkeepsie
Blonde
Rogue and his blonde friend, were together at Noah's Ark.
Carrie was killing time by reading a newspaper, while Rogue was mostly
just checking out Carrie's curvaceous physique.
After a few minutes, Carrie looks up and says with some urgency in her
voice, "What's today's date?!"
"I don't know," responds Rogue, "but you've got a
newspaper in your
hands. Why don't you just look at the date on it?"
Carrie says, "DUH!!! This is yesterday's paper."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh,
Marie," she said to
her maid, "I believe my husband is having an affair with
his secretary."
"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just
saying
that to make me jealous."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde driving a car became lost in a
snowstorm. She
didn't panic however, because she remembered what her
dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a
snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by
and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she
started to follow it. She followed the plow for about
forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got
out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained
that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow
storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the
Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over
to K-Mart now?
