Funnies

FUNNIES

The letter....

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college.
I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my
unthoughtfulness.
I'm sure you have been worried about me. Let me bring you
up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read
any further unless you're sitting down. Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much
healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said
the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally
again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's
so sweet.   He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had
nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to
invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
room, but it's kind of cute.   He really is a good person with a
kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get
married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will
be before I start to show.

That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that
you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you
gave me when I was growing up. We would get married now but we both
failed out premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He
told me about before hand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway.
Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections
should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with
open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is
ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but
I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't
mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you
will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told
that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African
village. That's an important government position where he comes from.

Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted
you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to
let you know -- there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a
concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not
pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no
boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote
for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper
perspective.

                     Your loving daughter,

                      Chelsea

        P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly..and socks, too!

        P.S.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day two guys were bungee jumping and the first guy says,
"Hey, we could make a lot of money down in Mexico doing this."

The second guy says, "Sure, why not?" So they got everything they
needed: a tower, a rope, insurance, and so on. After that they went
down there. The crowd starts to grow as they set up their stuff.
After they're done, the crowd has gotten bigger.

The first guy decides to give it a try. After he jumps, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and bruises. He couldn't catch
him, so the first guy goes down again. The second time he comes up
the other guy sees that he has a few broken limbs and is almost unconscious.

This time he is able to pull him up and asks him, "What the heck
happened to you?"

The first guy says, "I'm fine, but what the heck is a Piñata?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That Thing

Jasmine Gentry manages the Human Resources Department for a large
financial services company.

One day, one of the company's network computer servers crashed and Jasmine
moseyed on down to the Network Administrators office, to see how things
were going with the problem.

As Jasmine watched the company's brand new System Administrator, Bradford
Vandelay, trying to restore the crashed network server, the guy inserted a
CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."

Bradford started to type it and then paused. After a few seconds, he
turned to Jasmine and asked, gesturing towards the keyboard, "Where's the
key for that line thing?"

Jasmine asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one
that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

She replied, while pointing to the key on the keyboard, "You mean the
letter 'i'?"

He said excitedly, "Yeah, that's it! Thanks a lot."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback
came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The
ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian
would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the
surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his
last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on
his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice
bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?"
proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile.
"Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is sturck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying
near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators
gathers around. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!"
the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd- "A PREACHER,
PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of
at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the
man, "I'm not a preacher. I don't even really go to church.
But for fifty years now I'm living behind the church on
First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the sermons.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the man over to where the
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man
and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't
break my wife of the habit of staying up until
5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top Twenty Signs You're from New York

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
5. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
6. The subway makes sense.
7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
10.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
11.Your door has more than three locks.
12.You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
13.Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
14.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
15.You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
16.You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
17.You complain about having to mow it.
18.You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
19.You consider Westchester "Upstate".
20.You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~